Because last week, she was all “I can, I must, I will!” and this week she has a sign over her bed that reads: “Congratulations, Top Chef Beverly Kim!”
Must be awkward for her roommates.
Anyway, up until this point, the show has been fun, but has seemed a bit like throat-clearing, right? An amuse bouche, if you will.
Also, speaking of names, I’m extremely annoyed that I have to create a special little macro on my damn computer just so I can do a one-click typing of Ty-lör Boring’s name. (Or should I just call him Ty? That’s so ugly American of me. But then again, I don’t think his name is European. I think it’s from the region of Pretentioustan.)
“I don’t like snakes,” says the ginormous Keith Rhodes. He really meets both the criteria for “Gentle Giant.”
As for Dakota Weiss, who is not my sister—my actual sister’s name is Carolina Weiss—she is really not a fan of snakes.
“I have this massive fear of snakes. Slithering and coiling and ewww.” Geez, when you put it like that, ’Kotes. . .
“When the time is up, I better see some motherf*cking snakes on some motherf*cking plates,” says Padma, inexplicably channeling Samuel L. Jackson from Snakes on a Plane (Snakes on a Plate?).
Anyway, they open the boxes and. . .psych! The rattlesnakes are already dead. (Or maybe they were just frightened to death by all the tattoos?). But still tricky to cook.
Surprise! In an hisstorical upset (sorry), Dakota
Fanning Weiss (yeah, I’ve done that about 3 times already) wins the Quickfire—and immunity—with her fried rattlesnake fritters.
And in walks in . . . a very cute, very unassuming, very unfamiliar 15-year-old girl.
“Hey,” she says.
The contestants exchange looks: Is she some bigwig on the Disney Channel they are just not aware of? Has she created a viral video—“Viernes” perhaps?—that has made her a beloved/reviled YouTube sensation?
Nope, she’s just Blanca Flores, a cute kid having a Quinceañera—or a big 15th birthday party.
The Green Team definitely has an advantage because Chuy is on their side. He is Mexican, and although boys don’t get Quinceañeras where he comes from—“they’re just taught to kill a goat,” he sighs—at least he knows the difference between corn and flour tortillas.
Bossypants Lindsay and her undersecretary of Bossiness Sarah.
Chuy “the goat murderer” Valencia; Chris “just call me the Skipper” Jones; Richie “but don’t call me Gilligan” Farina; Beverly “I think I can, I think I can” Kim; Paul “Keep on (food) Truckin’” Qui; Edward “Chuck Norris Fears My Jaw” Lee; Heather “Leaning Tower of Leche” Terhune, and Grayson “Is it Tequila o’Clock yet?” Schmitz.
“Who would buy cooked shrimp in a cooking competition?” says Sarah. “The point is to cook the shrimp!”
(Okay, fair enough. But by that logic, why did they buy premade tortillas, too? Isn’t the point to cook the tortillas? But I digress.)
|Exhibit A: Delicious looking shit (Beverly’s Beef Short Rib Asada with Pina Kimchi):|
Aaaand. . .The Green Team wins! No surprise there. (But there is no individual winner? Isn’t that unusual? Is it just sort of Chuy by default? I’m a bit confused.)
From the Pink Team, Keith, Lindsay, Sarah, and Ty are asked to go in front of the judges.
Keith smells something coming and it’s the exhaust fumes from bus that he’s about to be thrown under.
It’s actualy funny to watch Sarah and Lindsay fight for their lives because they are both obviously very talented and very confident and have massive chips on their shoulders and are pretty much FREAKING OUT at the prospect of possibly going home first.
But yeah, it’s blame Keith for everything time.
That being said, Keith’s default excuse was “nobody told me not to”—which would make sense of this show was Top Chef: Apprentice. But it’s Top Chef and dude should’ve known not to buy cooked shrimp and he should’ve known not to use flour tortillas.
So he goes home. But he still sees it as a triumphant story of man conquering adversity.
“Dream big, dream hard because dreams come true and I’m a testimony to that—peace,” he says.
Apparently, the size of a man’s dream can not be measured by the size of his. . .chef’s coat. Keith really should’ve hung out with Beverly so he could dream a little bigger.