Premature Evacuation: The Project Runway recap

Kooan, 2 minutes after he quit the show


Do you ever go to a dinner party and the hostess comes out and says, “Who wants a second piece of pie?” and everyone looks at each other, because taking a second piece of pie would sort of be piggish, but then one person raises their hand and gamely says, “I do!” and then suddenly everyone else is like, “What the hell. You only live once!” and the next thing you know, everybody has a second piece of pie?
Such it was last night on Project Runway. It was like once Andrea led the way, made it acceptable, within the realm of possibility to exit the show, the floodgates opened. Next Kooan decided to leave and then Nathan admitted he wanted to leave and I began to wonder if by the end of this little group convo, it was just going to be Tim, Christopher and Ven standing in a small circle, shrugging at each other.
At first, of course, everyone had to process the news of Andrea’s nocturnal departure—in the most judgmental way possible.
“I just don’t think it’s right to quit like that” – Buffi
“It was a poor example, especially since she’s a teacher” – Ven
“It’s kind of lame.” – Andrea
“She took the coward’s way out” – Gunnar.
“How could she do this to me?” – Christopher
Okay, so Christopher didn’t actually say that, but he basically did. Earlier in the show he admitted that he had pushed Andrea in front of a bus (a reality TV first? Many a contestant has claimed to be the pushee, but how many have admitted they were the pusher?)
Then he felt guilty and mopey and mournful about the whole thing—even more mopey and mournful than usual, which is saying a lot about Christopher, whose default state is “Adorable Melancholia.”
“It’s like a joke is being played on me,” Christopher said (mournfully). Yes, I’m sure that was Andrea’s intent.
Anyway, this was all the encouragement Kooan needed. You know those velvet paintings of crying clowns? Kooan is like that—except he’s an Asian guy with an Afro. But basically, he wants to be a laughing clown, not a crying clown, so he was all, “Peace out.”
(What was weird was how calm and resolute—dare I even say mature?—he was about the whole decision. Everyone else is crying and gnashing their teeth and Kooan is like, “My decision is final. Be at peace, my friends.” And then, just as he left, as if the weight of the whole series had been spontaneously lifted off his shoulders, he let out a chirpy, gleeful “Make it Work!” and he scampered off to Magic SuperFun Rainbow Land, or wherever the hell it is that he lives.)
Then Nathan also wants to leave. And this was when I thought the garment that is Project Runway was really going to unravel—leaving Tim Gunn and Christopher and Ven holding one long thread.
“Are the rest of you read to move forward and make it work?” Tim said, doing his version of a locker room pep talk.
“Uh, yeah,” came the response.
(I don’t know about you guys, but I was ready to run through a wall after that!)
Cooler heads did eventually prevail and the mass exodus was avoided.
Nathan stayed (and I’m glad because, although I can’t remember a single thing he’s designed, I love his personal style) and Raul came back. 
Cute get-up
“I’m back bitches,” Raul said. (Because that is the kind of sassy thing you must say when you’re on a reality TV fashion show. )
“You’re a lucky ho,” said Christopher. (Ibid)
The challenge this week is to create a look for a woman on the go that is stylish and fashionable and comfortable.
“Think about wrinkles. And the fact that you don’t want them,” said Tim. (He really is the Yoda of fashion isn’t he?)
So not too much drama in the studio:
Ven, for some reason, has a major hate-on for Raul, which I don’t completely get. It’s not like Raul is any kind of threat to him.
Christopher tried to help Buffi by suggesting that she take her useless hot pink toga/tunic thingy and make it a useless black toga/tunic thingy. Then he was mopey, mournful and adorably melancholic when she was offended by his suggestion.
On the runway, Heidi Klum came out dressed as Wilma Flintstone for reasons unclear.
Then she introduced the judges: MK, Nina, Hayden Panettiere and Rachel Roy.
This made me laugh because obviously Hayden doesn’t have the fashion chops to be a judge on her own. (Rachel Roy was the equivalent of the seasoned waiter tagteaming it with the “trainee” at a diner.)
“This is how judges sit, Hayden”
The strangest thing that happened on the runway was I found out that MK and Nina like Fabio’s personal style. I look at Fabio and think to myself, “I see you underneath all those layers of crap, Fabio. Somewhere, buried beneath that long beard and those do-rags and dashikis and hipster Tzitzis is a beautiful man. Groom thyself. ” And Michael Kors thinks he has fabulous style? (Whose teams are you on, MK? You disappoint me.)
Shave, remove 4 accessories and we can talk
(Another aside: How on earth is effin’ #TeamElena winning the fan vote on Twitter? I strongly doubt that members of Elena’s immediate family actually like her.)
So the Top 3 were Christopher, Dmitry, and my girl Sonjia.
And the Bottom 3 were Buffi, Fabio, and Raul.
I was actually glad that Ven, who did another one of his uber-tasteful, architectural designs, wasn’t in the Top 3. Yes, Ven, you are the Michael Phelps of draping. Now do something different, dammit!!!
And Sonjia wins! Sonjia wins! And Hayden Panettiere wants to wear her design and you can see Sonjia thinking, “Should I debase my design by letting her wear it?” (Just kidding. She was stoked.)
And Buffi is out. Darn it. I loved me some Buffi and her “an 80s vintage store barfed on me” style.
Buffi was slayed
But I knew they weren’t going to bring Raul back just to jettison him again. (Although really Raul? You thought the blue suede pumps and the hot pink clutch were a good idea to add to your already hideously cluttered get-up?)
I loved Buffi’s attitude in departure though:
“I’m going to be more crazy and tacky and glittery and colorful than ever.”
Or, in other words: Take your good taste and shove it, Project Runway!

2 thoughts on “Premature Evacuation: The Project Runway recap

  1. A.) Bless you for “in front of” instead of “under.” Seriously.

    B.) Elena. Really? Has she managed to enlist Ukrainian web bots or something?

    C.) Hayen, Hayden, Hayden. Could this be the same little girl I saw as little leukemia-stricken Lizzie Spaulding on Guiding Light in the '90s? She sounds like a chain smoker and looks like she's had some kind of cosmetic something already. Sadface.

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