Pubic Safety: The Project Runway 9 recap

 

The most interesting textile you have is the one on your head– Tim Gunn.

Oh, Project Runway, how I’ve missed you. There’s so much I’ve wanted to talk to you about in the last year: Kate’s gown. Gaga’s meat dress. The national debt crisis. 

But you are back, and (almost) all is forgiven. And now Heidi promises us some sort of devilishly diabolical twist (okay, that was redundant. . .bear with me, I’m still trying to iron out some of the recap kinks). 

What could the twist be? Co-ed dorms? Tribal councils? Dresses made of human hair? (Oh wait, they already did that in Season 4.)

Naaa, it’s just four more contestants who aren’t going to make the actual show. Except for the part where they’re already on my TV screen, on the actual show. When Project Runway decides to do a twist, they just go bananas with themselves. Calm down, show! Don’t lose what makes you you!

So we meet the newbies as they parade their work in front of the K2G2 panel (that’s Klum, Kors, Garcia, and Gunn, BTW).

There’s Serena, who cancelled her Icelandic wedding to audition for the show. (Spoiler alert: Bad idea.)

There’s a guy named Gunnar Deatherage, the single greatest name in the history of reality television. (How could the show have cut him? How? Didn’t they think about us bloggers and our insatiable punning needs?)

There’s Anya, Miss Trinidad and Tobago (for reals), who is not only incredibly gorgeous, but is also some sort of fabric whisperer. She just learned how to sew a few months ago but already has near Christian-Soriano-level skills. Tim Gunn and Michael Kors are skeptical—but Heidi, heroic champion of gorgeous women across the globe, believes! (And is later proven right.)

There’s Rafael, the flat-ironed love child of Justin Bieber and Prince, who thinks that Nina is eye-sexing him. Lulz.

There’s Burt, who lists his age as 102 (see what he did there? He owned the joke before it could own him—well played, Burt, well played.) He’s actually 57, which, come to think of it, is sort of is 102 in Project Runway years. 

There’s the incredibly cute, sweater-clad, floppy haired Oliver, who “speaks foreign” (more on that later)—and is clearly this season’s crush-worthy androgyne.

There’s Joshua, who favors torso-baring tops and speaks in fashion riddles. (His collection is designed for a neurotic woman who wears white gloves, he explains, as Michael Kors nods as though that actually makes sense.)

There’s Anthony, a survivor of testicular cancer (“so I rock one now” he overshares) who is wearing an artfully knotted, homeless-chic scarf that Heidi really wants—a lot. I mean, she goes full-on Veruca Salt on that scarf: “Daddy, I want it now!” Her pleas fall on deaf gay ears.

Okay, anyhoo, goodbye Gunnar Deatherage, goodbye wedding girl (hope Iceland—and your fiancée—will still have you.) Goodbye two other people, who didn’t make an impression. 

And we have our Final 16. The actual contestants on the actual show . . .actually.

Lovable roly-poly, ascotted Josh looks out the window of his new NYC apartment.

“I’m a Mormon, I’m in a strange place, I don’t know these people and I will no longer be the same,” he sighs. (Cutest sentence ever uttered on Project Runway? I think yes.)

Everyone collapses into bed, but then, at 5 a.m., Tim Gunn comes a creepin’.

If you’ve ever secretly suspected that Tim Gunn is a vampire—and let’s face it, haven’t we all?—this little 5 a.m. visit really adds fuel to the fire. Yup, Tim Gunn is as impossibly crisp, groomed, and refreshed at 5 a.m. as he is—well, all other times of the day. 

(But if he’s a vampire, how does walk among us in daylight, you might ask? Hello? Do you not watch True Blood? Fairy blood, obvs.)


“Grab a sheet, don’t change out of your jammies, and meet me downstairs,” Tim says. 

“Can I at least put on a bra?” asks Becky Ross, who, surprisingly, does not sleep in flag jammies like her great, great, great, great Aunt Betsy. (It’s History, people, look it up).

“Come as you are!” Tim demands. 

Oh Becky, never ask, just do. Which is exactly what Laura “I’m not a Barbie doll!” Kathleen manages to do, sneaking in a little compact powder and foundation before she whisks out of the apartment. (Who’s the dumb blonde now?)

So through the streets of New York they parade, legs bared, boobs sagging, and some waggish New Yorker has the wherewithal to shout: “Work that sheet, girl!” (One wonders if he was speaking to one of the boys or one of the girls.)

They make it to Parsons and the challenge is simple: Using the jammies off your back and the bedsheet off your bed and assorted adornments and fasteners off the GarnierFructise™ L’O’real™HP™Brother™ Toyota ™  accessory wall , make an outfit that wows the judges. 

(In case you were wondering, they are given scrub-like getups to change into, so a new twist this season is not to design in the nude.)

 A few hours later, Tim Gunn comes to assess their progress.

He likes what Anthony is doing, but feels that his feather placement is a little on the pubic side.

“My designs seem to have gotten more pubic ever since I lost a testicle,” Anthony replies. Okay, he doesn’t actually say that. But oh, how I wish he had. . .

Tim also likes Fallene Wells, but is a little confused by the puking clown on her pants. (“Is that a . . .toilet?”) Because nothing says high fashion quite like a puking clown.

But the highlight of Tim’s coaching session is when he moseys over to Rafael, who has a Technicolor do-rag snuggly wrapped around his head and is working with the most boringly generic set of jammies ever.

“The most interesting textile you have is the one on your head,” says Tim and it strikes me as a bumper-sticker-ready aphorism, along the lines of “Be the change you want to see in this world.”

Rafael nods in agreement but then confesses to the camera: “I couldn’t take it off because my hair looks a hot mess.” (As opposed to yesterday’s follicular triumph?).

The next day, Rafael has fixed his hair to his—and only his, mind you—liking, so is prepared to incorporate his scarf into his outfit. Unfortunately, he chose to create some sort of barf bag/necklace that should never have seen the light of day.

Meanwhile, Oliver has met his model, who speaks Italian, as does he, prompting mensa Laura to say: “Are you two speaking foreign?” (I weep for the future of this nation.)

As for Anya, she’s doing all these ambitious things—dying silk, making trousers—and she actually says “It didn’t occur to me I’d be that far behind until I was that far behind.” But it’s all just one big misdirection. I told you: Fabric whisperer. Her pants and top are AWESOME.

Runway time. . .mostly meh stuff. 

The Top 3 are Burt (who made a truly lovely, tone-on-tone asymmetrical frock), Anthony (whose striped shirt with random patches of lace and ass-skimming micro mini skirt didn’t float my boat, but what do I know?— the judges loved it), and Anya (who, as mentioned, rocked the hell out of those pants.)

The Bottom 3 are Julie (whoops! she was supposed to be a contender), plus clueless Rafael (providing us with our first camel toe sighting of the season) and—oh noes!—Josh the Funky Mormon.

Back stage, this season’s Gretchen has emerged. 

“I’m not in the right spot. What the hell?” says some girl named Danielle. 

“You’re in, you’re safe,” one of the designers says innocently, thinking perhaps Danielle doesn’t understand the way things work.

“That’s not good enough,” Danielle snaps.

(Do these people take some sort of class on how to be a reality show villain?)

So. . .Burt wins, which is kinda great, because he needs the self-esteem boost and the respect of the “old people have cooties” whippersnappers.

Plus, despite the suspect styling, his dress really was the best.

It comes down to the Quakin’ Mormon and Señor Hair Don’t and I was actually very worried about cute Josh, but he is . . . safe!

Rafael is sent packing. Too bad. I would’ve enjoyed making further fun of his hair.

And is it just me, or did anyone else see Nina slip Rafael her phone number as he left the stage?

To Infinity and Beyond: The Project Runway recap

For Jason, it was the best of shows, it was the worst of shows.
It was the worst of shows because, well, he got booted off. Also, because everyone pretty much figured out that he’s nuts. (More on that later.)

But it was the best of shows because Valerie said this: “Jason’s mysterious. He has the bowler hat all Clockwork Orange.”
Note that she didn’t say: “Jason thinks he’s all mysterious, when in fact he looks like a giant Clockwork-Orange-wannabe tool.”

Rejoice Jason, someone’s buying your act!

Anyhoo, the extra half an hour (altogether now: boo! hiss!) gives us lots of time to hang out with the designers back at the house. Here’s what we learned:

That the designers agree with the interwebs and think that McKell was robbed.

That everyone considers Peach a mother figure. (Shocker.)

That Mondo is very very sad.

That Andy has his own airbrush makeup machine. Impressive!

The challenge this week is cool: Design a look that captures the essence of the Marie Claire girl. Better still: The winning look will be featured in a 40-foot-tall billboard in Times Square!

“Getting your garment on a billboard is huge,” says Andy. “Because that’s a huge prize for the first challenge.”
Greetings from the department of redundancy department.

A.J. decides to do something very Courtney Love and Gwen Stefani, to which I write: “Has he ever seen Marie Claire magazine?” Then I see his look and realize that the boy knows exactly what he’s doing. Then I see how poorly his garment fits—hello, saggy midsection!— and I realize he knows mostly what he’s doing.

At Mood, Casanova bemoans the fact that $150 is not enough to make a sophisticated gown. This on the heels of learning about his $1,007 D&G pants. Who is this guy? Donaldo Trump?

Back at the studio, Casanova innocently asks AJ for some help. This despite the regrettable Merrill Stubing hat AJ was sporting at Mood.
“No offense, but I’m not going to help you pattern,” says AJ snippily.
Casanova laughs awkwardly—either because awkward laughter is the only response to such assitude or because he has no idea what AJ is saying.

“Most of the designers, they share, they learn, they make opeenion,” says Casanova.
To illustrate this point, the producers cut to Casanova huddling with Michael over a design table. Clearly, they are sharing, learning, and making opeenions together.

“I’m not going to sew it for you,” AJ mutters. Oooh, don’t let the floppy hair and cute gay art student vibe fool you. Captain AJ is a jerk.


Meanwhile, Gretchen, who won last week’s challenge, is more than happy to help clueless Casanova. (The Clueless Casanovas can play on a double bill with Deconstructed Borscht, for those who follow my Top Chef recaps.)

Gretchen calls Casanova her bosom buddy.
“But I don’t have bosoms,” says Casanova. Everything Casanova says is that much funnier if you imagine a laugh track behind it.

Bowler boy has come up with a bold new concept: The infinity dress. It’s made of two 8s: Because, you see, it’s Project Runway season 8 and also because 8 sideways is infinity!
Ingenious! I mean, uh, moronic!

And because Jason has no construction skills whatsoever, the dress is held together by safety pins—again. This, claims Jason, is an intentional design choice.
Not surprisingly, Tim Gunn is not impressed.
“Everything is stacked against me,” Jason moans to the camera. “I’m a straight man in a gay man’s world.”

What Jason being a straight man in a gay man’s world has to do with his dress sucking up the joint is beyond me.

Then we come to a portion of the show I like to call: “Well, that didn’t take long.”

First, Nicholas accuses Casanova of faking his language difficulties to gain an edge. “He’s playing the I don’t speak English card,” Nicholas says. Well, that didn’t take long.

Later, Gretchen accuses Nicholas of stealing her backless dress concept. “He just thinks it’s an original idea.” Well, that didn’t take long.

Tim Gunn tells the designers to “gather round”—there’s a new element to the challenge. No need to panic. They just have to art direct a photo shoot featuring their dress! Fun!

At the photo shoot, Michael is being very, very nice to Jason. It’s always a good strategy to be friends with the guy who might go postal, he explains. Words to live by.

Meanwhile, Jason has taken off his ridiculous hat and has nice hair! And is actually kind of handsome! But he still has no clue what he’s doing at the shoot. The dress is totally gapping in the middle and he keeps telling his model to pose like she’s angry, even though the Marie Claire girl is supposed to be happy and carefree and gay.

“I’ve been misunderstood since I was a child,” says Jason.
I’m thinking you’ve been understood a lot more than ya think, buddy.

At home, Peach knows she’s in trouble and keeps referring to her stay on Project Runway in the past tense. And everyone’s all like, “Don’t leave us mom! Who will do our laundry and make our beds and give us warm cozy mom hugs?” (God, it sucks to be 50 and on Project Runway.)

Mondo mopes around and cries himself to sleep.
“If I don’t click with people right away, I tend to run away,” he explains.

I think Mondo’s biggest problem is the disconnect between his sassy name and sassier wardrobe and the mopey emo man lurking within. If you’re going to be emo, get some black bangs and play the part. If you’re going to be The Fabulous Mondo, own it, dude!

Judgment day.

As mentioned, I would’ve loved AJ’s yellow and black dress were it not for the kangaroo pouch.

Loved, loved, loved Valerie’s chic and sort of utilitarian red cocktail dress, pictured. Also sort of love Valerie, who seems like she’d be buddies with Rizzo and the Pink Ladies from Grease.

For the second week in a row, I wasn’t as wowed by Gretchen’s piece as the judges. I thought it was too simple.

Mondo extended his “I’m not fabulous I just dress like I am” persona to a truly fabulous dress. (Maybe a little too much wickety wack in the top. But still. . . )

I can already tell that Christopher is going to do the kind of safe, impeccably tailored stuff that I find dull as dishwater.

Casanova is not happy with his jacket.
“I really don’t like navy. I don’t know why I try that deesturbing color.”
(Laugh track!)

How Kristin managed to avoid the wrath of the judges with her peach pom-pom scarf and poorly constructed mall skirt is anyone’s guess. . .


So anyway, the top 3 are Mondo, Gretchen, and Valerie. This is good for Mondo. He needed a little pick-me-up.

One more crazy thing about Mondo: He is inspired by Mary Tyler Moore. This guy is just full of surprises.
(Either that, or he’s a diabolical genius, because Joanna Coles from Marie Claire said she moved to America because of the Mary Tyler Moore show. Might he have read that someplace? Hmmmm. )

And. . .Gretchen wins! I preferred the other two dresses, but it was cute when she teared up when she saw her billboard.

Bottom:
Peach, whose dress resembled an “Amish cocktail dress” according to Michael Kors.

Jason, do I even have to explain why?

and

Nicholas, whose backless dress was pretty ragged and whose cape was total overkill.

“I wonder how many people we will get rid of today,” muses Heidi.
I ignore her, because she’s always saying provocative stuff like that with no pay off.

But this time it was NO joke.

Jason is out . . .and Nicholas is out.
Poor Nicholas, he really thought he dodged a bullet when Bowler Boy was sent packing.

Nicholas cried. A lot. And hugged. And wouldn’t let go of Peach and pretty much slobbered on anyone who came near him.

As for Jason, he was over it. He didn’t even wait for Tim Gunn to tell him to clean up his work station. He just left.

’Cause that’s just the kind of mysterious, bowler hat sporting, Clockwork Orange-like rebel that Jason is.

Hanging By a Thread: The Project Runway 7 recap


Whoah, guys, I had the WORST dream last night. There was this whole bizarro season of Project Runway. It took place in L.A., all the contestants were dull as dishwater, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors were relegated to “special guest star” status, and Tim Gunn wore—shudder—flip-flops. It was a total nightmare!

Anyway, new season, new lab rats to dissect. I reserve the right to change my mind on all of the designers, but here are a few preliminary thoughts. . .

Not really loving Seth Aaron, a.k.a., the contestant most likely to be lead singer in a Roxy Music tribute band. I actually thought his little 80s throw-back dress was going to be in the bottom 3, especially with those saggy suspenders (leaves room for breast enhancement surgery!).
But hey, at least the guy’s got a point of view.

Speaking of point of view . . . Ping! Love that her model seemed to come traipsing down the runway essentially carrying all the fabric Ping had chosen in Central Park. It was like Ping said, “Here, hold this. And. . .go!”

Also, Ping’s special practice of wearing the garments she is designing brought out Tim’s best one liner of the night: “Tell me why this is on you.” I’m going to start using that for all the fashion violations in my office.

But I’m so glad that Ping didn’t get eliminated because her aesthetic, let’s call it shmata chic, is one we haven’t seen much on Project Runway. Michael and Nina do love their tailored looks, don’t they?

This whole Mila/Maya thing has to end. We simply can’t have two women with black bangs and four-letter names starting with the letter M. If Tyra Banks were in charge of this show, she’d randomly assign a new name to one of them. “From now on, you will be Zanzibar!” And that would be that.

From the eye candy department we have little Latino twink Jesus, such a budding mensa he couldn’t come up with the name of the Empire State Building. (I thought he was a goner there for a second with his Armadillo dress. . . my ovaries would’ve been so sad). Then there’s Jesse “I’m the most famous pirate in the world!” (good Lord these kids are young). I’m pretty sure Jesse was the one who kept insisting that he takes it from “gritty to pretty”. Yes, Jesse, that fey little mustache of yours is so street.

Also, Ben looks like Todd Oldham. And cute little bespectacled Jonathan looks exactly like that pudgy personal trainer (I know, delightfully oxymoronic but true) from the old Bravo show Work Out.

Obviously, Anthony is the uproarious one this season and doesn’t he know it. I didn’t laugh at a single one of his cracks, especially his brilliant “Ping. . .Pong” (that’s not a pun, it’s just word association) but he seems harmless enough.

Janeane is our resident crier. Sample quote (said while crying): “The thought of it makes me want to cry.” For some reason, it’s always more fun when the crier is a dude.

My favorite two dresses were Emilio’s (the guy who won) and Amy’s (she had that little harlequin mini dress). And I thought Janeane came up with a nice save, considering that her first dress was a complete bust.

Also, let the record show, I love Nicole Richie. I think she has amazing personal style. So I was happy to see her as a guest judge.

So far, off to a promising start. Is it too soon to say that our short national nightmare is over?

Photo courtesy of People.com

What’s Your Sign? The Project Runway recap



You never realize how much you miss someone until they’re gone.

Unfortunately for us, we never got a chance to miss Stella, because she was back, along with the rest of the auf’d designers, for this avant garde, astrologically-inspired challenge.

Did this lead to a gratuitous shot of Wesley without his shirt? It’s Bravo, people, do you really need to ask? (These are the kind of things that keep me awake at night when I think about the switch to Lifetime. Will the breeders who run Lifetime appreciate the value of a gratuitous Wesley topless scene? I think not.)

Anyway, Heidi made it clear up front that the ousted designers weren’t in the running to actually win anything. They were just there to make life miserable for—I mean, uh, inspire—the final 8 contestants.

What Heidi didn’t explain, much to my annoyance, was why two designers were being booted tonite. Obviously, it has something to do with arcane Bravo scheduling conflicts (maybe James Lipton is to blame?)—but still. . . random.

I learned something new about Suede this episode. He’s the most insecure man in the history of the world to chronically refer to himself in the third person. I mean, why on earth would he lean on Jerry for his astrological inspiration? Jerry, who was the first designer given the boot. Jerry, who created a creepy lab costume that he thought was couture. For the love of Suede, ignore him, Suede! But no, Suede and Jerry were a happy little duo, as, remarkably, were Blayne and Stella.

I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I realized that little Hoodie Spice (a.k.a. Blayne) has actually endeared himself to me. With his skater hoods, his emo-bangs, his perma-tan, and his automatically generated sound bites, he’s like the cutest little design avatar ever created. (Adorable moment of the show: Tim comes up and tells Blayne that his garment looks like “old women’s underwear.”
“Grannie panties?” Blayne responds cheerfully. Even in a crisis, the man has a catch phrase at the ready.)

Of course, Terri and Keith got reunited. I don’t know what kind of holding chamber the designers go to after they’ve been eliminated, but whereever it is, I can imagine that Keith has been sitting in a corner, repeatedly banging his head against a wall and moaning, “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” That is one self-flagellating Mormon.
“I’m fragile,” he told Terri. Lamb, meet slaughter.

Kenley brought her dominatrix side to her partnership with Wesley. “He takes direction well,” she reported, and I could swear I saw a knowing glance exchanged between Wesley and Daniel, but maybe I was just imagining it.

Meanwhile, the mousiest clique of Mean Girls of all time—Leanne and Emily (they’re like Mean Girls who will totally ban you from their table in the library if you’re not careful!)—were hating on Kenley. It’s true Kenley is kind of loud and boastful and irritating, but that was a little harsh. I truly can’t decide if I love Kenley or hate her.

Once the astrological monstrosities—um, dresses—were created, the designers had to parade their models to the New York Planetarium where they were met—quelle surprise—by the ghosts of Project Runway past, who would be doing a preliminary judging. (Hi Jay! Still love you, even if Christian has supplanted you as Most Fabulous Project Runway Contestant Ever.)

Cut to every gay male designer sidling up to Daniel Vosovic. Hey, who can blame them?

Terri wisely took Christian’s advice to lose her Leo fur collar—“it was looking a little The Wiz,” she admitted—but would it be enough?

Next onto the runway, where my ambivilance toward Kenley’s garment mirrored my ambivalence toward Kenley herself. However, was Michael Kors on crack when he suggested that her poofy sleeved costume wasn’t avant garde enough? Really, Michael Kors? Last I checked, we weren’t wearing a John Galliano meets the Queen of Hearts creation at the local Piggly Wiggly. (Okay, so I’ve never been to a Piggly Wiggly in my life. . .but you take my point.)

So Jerrell wins, which is nice for him. His garmet was slightly above meh. I was pretty certain Leanne was going to win again. I’m sorry, her creation (pictured in place of the actual winner, because I’m the boss of this blog!) was all kinds of fabulous. But maybe they didn’t want to get too predictable.

Anyway, the bottom four were Kenley, Blayne, Suede, and Terri.
Kenley is safe.

Figures, just when I was starting to like the little whipper snapper, his garment pooped fabric and Blayne is OUT.

Now, it’s down to Suede and Terri. It’s true, Suede’s garment wasn’t avant garde (and was poorly made, if you ask me) but Terri’s garment looked cheap. Also, Terri is a stone cold bitch.

So Terri is . . . OUT.

I liked her designs but if she can’t play well with others, she’s not going to go far in this business.

Now can we start missing Stella? . . . Pretty please?

Taste’s Great! The Project Runway recap



Q: If Daniel says he has high end taste often enough, does that make it true?
A: No.

Q: Is it appropriate to cackle at Daniel when he makes that statement in front of the judges, especially if you are supposed to be his “best friend”?
A: Damn, girl. That’s cold.

And so, I believe, ends the short-lived, but beautiful in its own way, friendship between Janeane Garofalo and Elijah Wood—a.k.a. Kenley and Daniel—the cackler and the pouter, the ironic pin-up girl and the Wes Anderson-style miniaturist. Daniel may not, indeed, have high end taste (it’s been all downhill since his Dixie cup triumph) but can Kenley have a wee man’s back?

The show starts with Daniel working out (all together now: Daniel works out?) with his cute little pint-sized hand weights as the competitive Mormon lifts a ginormous barbell by his side. (Are steroids prohibited in Mormon culture?).

Then, back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that they will be working with a powerful and glamorous woman. The ideas fly fast and furious: Hillary Clinton, Nancy Grace, Heidi Klum and. .. (sound of record needle screeching) Sharon Osbourne. I’ll give you one guess to figure out which designer was hoping for the Princess of Darkness.

But no, the glamazon was none other than Brooke Shields herself, quite possibly too nice a woman for this ugly fashion racket. (More on that later.)

The most remarkable thing about Brooke’s appearance was that it inspired Suede to quoth: “No one comes between me and my Calvins.”
Suede can say the word me!!!!

The designers pitched their outfits to Brooke, who made some questionable choices. For starters, she accepted the animal print suggestion from a girl who with a tattoo sleeve who was dressed head-to-toe in animal print (that would Kelli). Also, she went with Blayne’s bermuda short get-up because nothing spells glamour like a bermuda short. It’s possible that Brooke lost her sense of style somewhere in the Blue Lagoon.

They were working in teams of two, always good for some extra dramer. The partners broke down like this (team leader named first):
Keith and Kenley
Terri and Suede
Korto and (hiss, boo!) Joe
Kelli and Daniel
Jerell and Stella
Blayne and Leanne

The duos were supposed to create day-to-night outfits with a hint of bohemian glamour (whatever that is) and this prospect seemed to daunt and confuse the designers, because they made some butt-ugly get-ups. I mean, seriously. These things were hideous.

Onto the drama:

Terri thought that Suede couldn’t sew and managed to use the words “balls” “vajajay” and “titties” in one triumphant sentence, but they somehow worked it out.

Competitive Mormon Keith thought that Kenley should “shut her mouth and stick to sewing”—but was wise enough to take her suggestions and make his feather duster look more tailored.

Daniel thought that Kelli didn’t share his high-end taste and expressed his disappointment by created the world’s most jacked up pencil skirt.

Joe seemed to really dig Korto’s orange jacket until Tim came by and then, sensing Tim’s skepticism, he deemed the jacket big and poofy. Korto rattled off a new variation of the “throw your teammate under the bus” reality TV metaphor, kept her rage in check, and fixed her damn jacket.

Leanne, perhaps so stunned by the fact that she was making a pair of shorts, seemed to get along with Blayne.

And, biggest surprise of all. . .Jerell and Stella worked together famously. (Actually, this is the first episode where I really liked Jerell: He had the last pick of partners and, instead of making Stella feel like dirt, he immediately gave her a leather-related pep talk and seemed genuinely glad to have her on his team. Kenley, take notes.)

Down the runway they went. From ugly (Kenley and Keith) to uglier (Blayne and Leanne) to cover that thing up with a blanket (Kelli and Daniel.)

I actually liked Terri’s flouncy paisley blouse and—shocker—Jerrel and Stella’s tone-on-tone belted dress, but again, these are the lesser among evils.
Have I mentioned that these outfits were ugly?

Brooke, too, seemed to like Jerrel’s creation. How do we know this? Because of a subtle, but barely perceptible change in her demeanor? Because keen observers could see she was writing the words “Nice look” in her notes? Nope, because she smiled at him and mouthed a vigorous “Yes!” when his dress sashayed down the runway. Way to keep that poker face, pretty baby.

So, the top two were Jerrel and Stella and Kenley and Keith. I actually hated Keith and Kenley’s creation—hell will freeze over before I go anywhere wearing cascading brown feathers on my ass, but somehow they won.

The bottom two were Blayne and Leanne and Kelli and Daniel. The judges all agreed that Blayne’s outfit was a hot tanny mess (see what I did there?. . . with the tanny? I kill myself). But Blayne actually did the gentlemanly thing and said that the outfit was his concept and therefore, his fault.
Kelli’s outfit revealed questionable taste (on both Kelli’s part and Brooke Shield’s, if you ask me), leading Daniel to defend his well-documented high end taste and Kenley to laugh wickedly in his poor, confused face.

In the end, Kelli was deemed tacky and looked like she was going to cut a bitch named Nina Garcia. But if was her time to be made aufwiedelicous.