(But if he’s a vampire, how does walk among us in daylight, you might ask? Hello? Do you not watch True Blood? Fairy blood, obvs.)
(But if he’s a vampire, how does walk among us in daylight, you might ask? Hello? Do you not watch True Blood? Fairy blood, obvs.)
Whoah, guys, I had the WORST dream last night. There was this whole bizarro season of Project Runway. It took place in L.A., all the contestants were dull as dishwater, Nina Garcia and Michael Kors were relegated to “special guest star” status, and Tim Gunn wore—shudder—flip-flops. It was a total nightmare!
Anyway, new season, new lab rats to dissect. I reserve the right to change my mind on all of the designers, but here are a few preliminary thoughts. . .
Not really loving Seth Aaron, a.k.a., the contestant most likely to be lead singer in a Roxy Music tribute band. I actually thought his little 80s throw-back dress was going to be in the bottom 3, especially with those saggy suspenders (leaves room for breast enhancement surgery!).
But hey, at least the guy’s got a point of view.
Speaking of point of view . . . Ping! Love that her model seemed to come traipsing down the runway essentially carrying all the fabric Ping had chosen in Central Park. It was like Ping said, “Here, hold this. And. . .go!”
Also, Ping’s special practice of wearing the garments she is designing brought out Tim’s best one liner of the night: “Tell me why this is on you.” I’m going to start using that for all the fashion violations in my office.
But I’m so glad that Ping didn’t get eliminated because her aesthetic, let’s call it shmata chic, is one we haven’t seen much on Project Runway. Michael and Nina do love their tailored looks, don’t they?
This whole Mila/Maya thing has to end. We simply can’t have two women with black bangs and four-letter names starting with the letter M. If Tyra Banks were in charge of this show, she’d randomly assign a new name to one of them. “From now on, you will be Zanzibar!” And that would be that.
From the eye candy department we have little Latino twink Jesus, such a budding mensa he couldn’t come up with the name of the Empire State Building. (I thought he was a goner there for a second with his Armadillo dress. . . my ovaries would’ve been so sad). Then there’s Jesse “I’m the most famous pirate in the world!” (good Lord these kids are young). I’m pretty sure Jesse was the one who kept insisting that he takes it from “gritty to pretty”. Yes, Jesse, that fey little mustache of yours is so street.
Also, Ben looks like Todd Oldham. And cute little bespectacled Jonathan looks exactly like that pudgy personal trainer (I know, delightfully oxymoronic but true) from the old Bravo show Work Out.
Obviously, Anthony is the uproarious one this season and doesn’t he know it. I didn’t laugh at a single one of his cracks, especially his brilliant “Ping. . .Pong” (that’s not a pun, it’s just word association) but he seems harmless enough.
Janeane is our resident crier. Sample quote (said while crying): “The thought of it makes me want to cry.” For some reason, it’s always more fun when the crier is a dude.
My favorite two dresses were Emilio’s (the guy who won) and Amy’s (she had that little harlequin mini dress). And I thought Janeane came up with a nice save, considering that her first dress was a complete bust.
Also, let the record show, I love Nicole Richie. I think she has amazing personal style. So I was happy to see her as a guest judge.
So far, off to a promising start. Is it too soon to say that our short national nightmare is over?
Photo courtesy of People.com
Unfortunately for us, we never got a chance to miss Stella, because she was back, along with the rest of the auf’d designers, for this avant garde, astrologically-inspired challenge.
Did this lead to a gratuitous shot of Wesley without his shirt? It’s Bravo, people, do you really need to ask? (These are the kind of things that keep me awake at night when I think about the switch to Lifetime. Will the breeders who run Lifetime appreciate the value of a gratuitous Wesley topless scene? I think not.)
Anyway, Heidi made it clear up front that the ousted designers weren’t in the running to actually win anything. They were just there to make life miserable for—I mean, uh, inspire—the final 8 contestants.
What Heidi didn’t explain, much to my annoyance, was why two designers were being booted tonite. Obviously, it has something to do with arcane Bravo scheduling conflicts (maybe James Lipton is to blame?)—but still. . . random.
I learned something new about Suede this episode. He’s the most insecure man in the history of the world to chronically refer to himself in the third person. I mean, why on earth would he lean on Jerry for his astrological inspiration? Jerry, who was the first designer given the boot. Jerry, who created a creepy lab costume that he thought was couture. For the love of Suede, ignore him, Suede! But no, Suede and Jerry were a happy little duo, as, remarkably, were Blayne and Stella.
I don’t know what’s gotten into me, but I realized that little Hoodie Spice (a.k.a. Blayne) has actually endeared himself to me. With his skater hoods, his emo-bangs, his perma-tan, and his automatically generated sound bites, he’s like the cutest little design avatar ever created. (Adorable moment of the show: Tim comes up and tells Blayne that his garment looks like “old women’s underwear.”
“Grannie panties?” Blayne responds cheerfully. Even in a crisis, the man has a catch phrase at the ready.)
Of course, Terri and Keith got reunited. I don’t know what kind of holding chamber the designers go to after they’ve been eliminated, but whereever it is, I can imagine that Keith has been sitting in a corner, repeatedly banging his head against a wall and moaning, “Stupid! Stupid! Stupid!” That is one self-flagellating Mormon.
“I’m fragile,” he told Terri. Lamb, meet slaughter.
Kenley brought her dominatrix side to her partnership with Wesley. “He takes direction well,” she reported, and I could swear I saw a knowing glance exchanged between Wesley and Daniel, but maybe I was just imagining it.
Meanwhile, the mousiest clique of Mean Girls of all time—Leanne and Emily (they’re like Mean Girls who will totally ban you from their table in the library if you’re not careful!)—were hating on Kenley. It’s true Kenley is kind of loud and boastful and irritating, but that was a little harsh. I truly can’t decide if I love Kenley or hate her.
Once the astrological monstrosities—um, dresses—were created, the designers had to parade their models to the New York Planetarium where they were met—quelle surprise—by the ghosts of Project Runway past, who would be doing a preliminary judging. (Hi Jay! Still love you, even if Christian has supplanted you as Most Fabulous Project Runway Contestant Ever.)
Cut to every gay male designer sidling up to Daniel Vosovic. Hey, who can blame them?
Terri wisely took Christian’s advice to lose her Leo fur collar—“it was looking a little The Wiz,” she admitted—but would it be enough?
Next onto the runway, where my ambivilance toward Kenley’s garment mirrored my ambivalence toward Kenley herself. However, was Michael Kors on crack when he suggested that her poofy sleeved costume wasn’t avant garde enough? Really, Michael Kors? Last I checked, we weren’t wearing a John Galliano meets the Queen of Hearts creation at the local Piggly Wiggly. (Okay, so I’ve never been to a Piggly Wiggly in my life. . .but you take my point.)
So Jerrell wins, which is nice for him. His garmet was slightly above meh. I was pretty certain Leanne was going to win again. I’m sorry, her creation (pictured in place of the actual winner, because I’m the boss of this blog!) was all kinds of fabulous. But maybe they didn’t want to get too predictable.
Anyway, the bottom four were Kenley, Blayne, Suede, and Terri.
Kenley is safe.
Figures, just when I was starting to like the little whipper snapper, his garment pooped fabric and Blayne is OUT.
Now, it’s down to Suede and Terri. It’s true, Suede’s garment wasn’t avant garde (and was poorly made, if you ask me) but Terri’s garment looked cheap. Also, Terri is a stone cold bitch.
So Terri is . . . OUT.
I liked her designs but if she can’t play well with others, she’s not going to go far in this business.
Now can we start missing Stella? . . . Pretty please?
Q: Is it appropriate to cackle at Daniel when he makes that statement in front of the judges, especially if you are supposed to be his “best friend”?
A: Damn, girl. That’s cold.
And so, I believe, ends the short-lived, but beautiful in its own way, friendship between Janeane Garofalo and Elijah Wood—a.k.a. Kenley and Daniel—the cackler and the pouter, the ironic pin-up girl and the Wes Anderson-style miniaturist. Daniel may not, indeed, have high end taste (it’s been all downhill since his Dixie cup triumph) but can Kenley have a wee man’s back?
The show starts with Daniel working out (all together now: Daniel works out?) with his cute little pint-sized hand weights as the competitive Mormon lifts a ginormous barbell by his side. (Are steroids prohibited in Mormon culture?).
Then, back on the runway, Heidi tells the designers that they will be working with a powerful and glamorous woman. The ideas fly fast and furious: Hillary Clinton, Nancy Grace, Heidi Klum and. .. (sound of record needle screeching) Sharon Osbourne. I’ll give you one guess to figure out which designer was hoping for the Princess of Darkness.
But no, the glamazon was none other than Brooke Shields herself, quite possibly too nice a woman for this ugly fashion racket. (More on that later.)
The most remarkable thing about Brooke’s appearance was that it inspired Suede to quoth: “No one comes between me and my Calvins.”
Suede can say the word me!!!!
The designers pitched their outfits to Brooke, who made some questionable choices. For starters, she accepted the animal print suggestion from a girl who with a tattoo sleeve who was dressed head-to-toe in animal print (that would Kelli). Also, she went with Blayne’s bermuda short get-up because nothing spells glamour like a bermuda short. It’s possible that Brooke lost her sense of style somewhere in the Blue Lagoon.
They were working in teams of two, always good for some extra dramer. The partners broke down like this (team leader named first):
Keith and Kenley
Terri and Suede
Korto and (hiss, boo!) Joe
Kelli and Daniel
Jerell and Stella
Blayne and Leanne
The duos were supposed to create day-to-night outfits with a hint of bohemian glamour (whatever that is) and this prospect seemed to daunt and confuse the designers, because they made some butt-ugly get-ups. I mean, seriously. These things were hideous.
Onto the drama:
Terri thought that Suede couldn’t sew and managed to use the words “balls” “vajajay” and “titties” in one triumphant sentence, but they somehow worked it out.
Competitive Mormon Keith thought that Kenley should “shut her mouth and stick to sewing”—but was wise enough to take her suggestions and make his feather duster look more tailored.
Daniel thought that Kelli didn’t share his high-end taste and expressed his disappointment by created the world’s most jacked up pencil skirt.
Joe seemed to really dig Korto’s orange jacket until Tim came by and then, sensing Tim’s skepticism, he deemed the jacket big and poofy. Korto rattled off a new variation of the “throw your teammate under the bus” reality TV metaphor, kept her rage in check, and fixed her damn jacket.
Leanne, perhaps so stunned by the fact that she was making a pair of shorts, seemed to get along with Blayne.
And, biggest surprise of all. . .Jerell and Stella worked together famously. (Actually, this is the first episode where I really liked Jerell: He had the last pick of partners and, instead of making Stella feel like dirt, he immediately gave her a leather-related pep talk and seemed genuinely glad to have her on his team. Kenley, take notes.)
Down the runway they went. From ugly (Kenley and Keith) to uglier (Blayne and Leanne) to cover that thing up with a blanket (Kelli and Daniel.)
I actually liked Terri’s flouncy paisley blouse and—shocker—Jerrel and Stella’s tone-on-tone belted dress, but again, these are the lesser among evils.
Have I mentioned that these outfits were ugly?
Brooke, too, seemed to like Jerrel’s creation. How do we know this? Because of a subtle, but barely perceptible change in her demeanor? Because keen observers could see she was writing the words “Nice look” in her notes? Nope, because she smiled at him and mouthed a vigorous “Yes!” when his dress sashayed down the runway. Way to keep that poker face, pretty baby.
So, the top two were Jerrel and Stella and Kenley and Keith. I actually hated Keith and Kenley’s creation—hell will freeze over before I go anywhere wearing cascading brown feathers on my ass, but somehow they won.
The bottom two were Blayne and Leanne and Kelli and Daniel. The judges all agreed that Blayne’s outfit was a hot tanny mess (see what I did there?. . . with the tanny? I kill myself). But Blayne actually did the gentlemanly thing and said that the outfit was his concept and therefore, his fault.
Kelli’s outfit revealed questionable taste (on both Kelli’s part and Brooke Shield’s, if you ask me), leading Daniel to defend his well-documented high end taste and Kenley to laugh wickedly in his poor, confused face.
In the end, Kelli was deemed tacky and looked like she was going to cut a bitch named Nina Garcia. But if was her time to be made aufwiedelicous.